By Upendra Mishra
BOSTON— As we grow older, a quiet but persistent shift begins within us. We start asking deeper questions about life: Why are we here? What does it mean to be true to ourselves? How do we find peace? Is lasting happiness even real? These are not the questions of youth, which often rushes toward achievement. These are the questions of maturity—when reflection becomes more powerful than ambition, when understanding feels more urgent than accomplishment.
How and why this transition happens remains a mystery. Perhaps it is the accumulation of lived experiences, or the awareness of time passing more quickly than it once did. Perhaps it is grief, wisdom, love, or simply the natural unfolding of life. But at some point, many of us begin to reflect on our choices, our mistakes, our kindnesses, and the limited time we have left with the people and the planet we cherish.
Recently, during a conversation with my sisters-in-law, our discussion drifted—unexpectedly but naturally—toward the idea of living in the flow. I shared a few experiences of what I thought were “flow moments,” and then she asked a simple but profound question:
“How do you know that you are in the flow?” Without thinking, I answered, “When you’re in the flow, you never get stressed out.”
But the question lingered with me long after the conversation ended. I realized I had never actually paused to examine it. What does it truly mean to be in the flow? How do we recognize it? And why does it matter?
Over the following days, I sat with these questions, and what emerged was a personal reflection informed not only by experience but also by research on the psychology of flow. I share it here with the hope that it might spark reflection in others as well.
What Is “Flow,” Really? A Brief Look at the Research
The term flow is best known from the work of psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, whose decades of research at the University of Chicago and later at Claremont Graduate University explored why certain moments in life feel effortless, deeply engaging, and meaningful.
In his landmark book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience (1990), Csikszentmihalyi described flow as a state in which:
- You are fully absorbed in the present moment
- Your sense of time shifts
- Your sense of self-consciousness dissolves
- You feel both challenged and capable
- Stress feels irrelevant or nonexistent
He discovered this state not only in athletes, artists, and musicians, but also in parents, workers, and people doing the most ordinary tasks. It was not the activity that mattered—it was the state of mind.
Interestingly, his research showed that flow is strongly associated with increased happiness, intrinsic motivation, and even long-term life satisfaction.
My reflections below are not academic definitions but lived experiences that resonate with Csikszentmihalyi’s findings. They are the “everyday language” version of a deep psychological truth.
Five Signs You Are Living in the Flow
- Stress loses its grip on you
Being alive means dealing with stress: health concerns, financial pressures, family challenges, uncertainty about the future. These are universal. But when you are in the flow, you face these challenges with an inner steadiness. You trust—often without articulating it—that whatever comes your way, you will deal with it. You are not immune to difficulty; you simply refuse to amplify it.
This matches Csikszentmihalyi’s observation that flow redirects attention away from anxiety and toward meaningful engagement.
- You no longer seek validation—and you no longer judge others
When you are in the flow, you stop measuring your worth through the eyes of others. Praise and criticism no longer dictate your emotional weather.
Likewise, you stop judging others, because you see people as fellow travelers doing their best with the knowledge, wounds, and circumstances they carry. This emotional independence brings remarkable peace.
- You become grounded in the present moment
Living in the flow means placing your attention where life is actually happening—in the now. You accept reality as it is, not as you wish it to be. You work joyfully on what can be improved, and you let go of what cannot.
Psychologists refer to this as present-moment awareness, a cornerstone of both flow and mindfulness research.
- You focus only on what you can control
Weather, other people’s opinions, unexpected hardships, even your own fleeting emotions—these lie far outside your control. When you live in the flow, you stop resisting life. You redirect energy toward actions that matter—your choices, efforts, integrity, and responses. This shift from control to clarity is liberating.
- You accept change as the most natural part of life
Everything changes: your body, relationships, beliefs, ambitions, and circumstances. Nothing stays the same—not even the person you were yesterday. When you accept change not as a threat but as life’s most reliable companion, you begin moving with life rather than against it. This is perhaps the deepest form of flow—an alignment with the impermanence of all things.
The Quiet Gift of Flow
Perhaps the greatest gift of living in the flow is that it makes life feel less like a struggle and more like a partnership. You stop trying to overpower life and instead begin to participate with it.
Flow is not the absence of problems—it is the presence of clarity. It is not a mystical state—it is a mindset available to anyone. It is not rare—it simply requires awareness.
Most importantly, flow is not something we enter; it is something we allow. And often, it begins with a simple question—like the one my sister-in-law asked—that nudges us inward, toward a gentler, more conscious way of moving through the world.
(Upendra Mishra is the author of After the Fall: How Owen Lost Everything and Found What Really Matters and Precise Marketing: The Proven System for Growing Revenue in a Noisy World. He is the Managing Partner of The Mishra Group. Learn more at www.UpendraMishra.com )
