By Ajay Jaisingh
BOSTON-Marriage, as an institution, has been the cornerstone of human relationships for centuries. It is woven into the fabric of society, defining roles, responsibilities, and expectations.
However, as we evolve, so do our perspectives on love, companionship, and self-fulfillment. This article is not an argument against marriage but rather an invitation to rethink it—to break free from the traditional confines of marriage and rediscover the raw, unfiltered love that brought two people together in the first place.
The premise is simple yet radical: If you truly love your spouse, divorce the marriage, not the person. Strip away the societal constraints and expectations, that may be suffocating your relationship, and reconnect as friends, as soul companions on a journey of love, growth, and freedom.
Friendship: The Purest Form of Love
At the heart of this transformation is a simple truth: Friendship is the purest relationship. It is the only form of love that allows individuals to be fully themselves—without fear, without obligation. Friendship provides space for self-expression, mutual respect fostering unconditional support, and it has the power to transform not just marriages but all relationships—parent-child, siblings, and even professional relationships.
The Chains of Marriage: How Love Gets Lost in Obligation
When two people fall in love, it is effortless. There is no contract, no obligations, no legal bindings—just an organic, flowing connection. But once marriage enters the picture, things begin to change.
- Societal Expectations Create Roles, Not Relationships: Society dictates that marriage comes with predefined roles: the provider, the nurturer, the homemaker, the protector. These roles, while seemingly practical, often box individuals into rigid identities that can stifle their true selves.
- Love Becomes Conditional: In marriage, love often becomes transactional—“If you do this for me, I will love you.” The spontaneity and unconditional appreciation that once defined the relationship are replaced with expectations and, sometimes, silent resentment.
- Emotional Dependence & Taking Each Other for Granted: When people enter marriage, they unconsciously start relying on their partner for happiness, emotional stability, and even self-worth. Over time, partners may stop seeing each other as unique, evolving individuals and instead view each other as a fixture of their lives.
- Freedom vs. Commitment: True love thrives in freedom, but marriage often implies ownership—of time, emotions, and decisions. This erodes the very thing that made the relationship beautiful in the first place.
Divorcing Marriage, Not the Love: How to Shift the Paradigm
If the problem lies in how people perceive and practice marriage, then the solution is not separation but transformation. Here’s how couples can “divorce” their marriage while deepening their love:
- Redefine Your Relationship as a Friendship First
- Encourage each other’s growth without imposing restrictions or expectations.
- View your partner as an independent, sovereign being who chooses to be with you every day—not someone bound by a contract.
- Lower Your Expectation & Practice Acceptance
At the core of most relationship struggles is expectation. When we expect others to behave a certain way, fulfill specific roles, or meet our needs, we set ourselves up for disappointment and frustration.
By lowering expectations, we allow love to flow more freely, resulting in:
- A state of gratitude rather than dissatisfaction.
- A natural ability to find joy in whatever is received rather than focusing on what is missing.
- An organic increase in positivity that extends into all aspects of life—career, personal development, spiritual growth, etc.
3. Give Each Other the Gift of Space & Individuality
To truly appreciate love, individuals must first feel complete within themselves. One of the most powerful practices in this transformation is the intentional act of spending some time alone (or at least away) every year.
- Rediscover Yourself: Reconnect with personal dreams, passions, and desires.
- Foster Independence: Remove unhealthy emotional dependency and reinforce that love is a choice.
- Increase Gratitude: When partners step away and experience life separately, they return with a deeper appreciation for each other.
- Break Routine: Stepping out of daily patterns prevents stagnation, making reunions feel refreshing and exciting rather than routine.
4. What We Seek in a Relationship Must First Exist Within Ourselves
One of the greatest misconceptions in relationships is that we will find something within them that we lack within ourselves. In reality:
- Love, joy, peace, security—these are all things we must first cultivate within.
- A relationship is merely a medium for sharing, reflecting, and enhancing what already exists inside us.
- Your Relationships Reflect Your Own Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Health
- If there is tension in a relationship, it is often a mirror of unresolved inner conflict.
- When we focus on our own mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, our relationships naturally thrive.
The Transformational Benefits of This Approach
- Deepened Friendship & Unconditional Love: Love that exists without expectations or roles is the purest form of love.
- Emotional & Spiritual Liberation: Instead of seeing a partner as a source of happiness, individuals learn to cultivate happiness within and share it freely.
- A New, Healthier Family Dynamic: Children raised in households where relationships are based on friendship rather than obligation benefit tremendously.
- Expression and communication flow naturally. Family members get to know the whole person, not just the role they play.
- Stronger Family bonds. Instead of parents only being viewed as nurturers or providers, they are seen as real people with emotions, struggles, and dreams. Similarly, children are seen beyond their role as dependents and recognized as evolving individuals.
What About Stability & Commitment?
This approach may sound radical, but it addresses a growing reality: Traditional marriage structures are failing at an alarming rate. Divorce rates are high, and even among those who stay married, many feel trapped, unfulfilled, or emotionally disconnected.
Some might argue that this concept could lead to more breakups, but in truth, it can foster more authentic and resilient relationships. Stability should not come from obligation but from a conscious, daily choice to be together.
Final Thoughts: A New Way to Love
“If you love your spouse, divorce them” is not a call to abandon commitment but to redefine it. It is about shifting from a contract-based relationship to a soul-based connection.
Love, at its core, is about freedom, appreciation, and mutual growth. When we remove the labels, the expectations, and the rigid structures that confine love, we allow it to thrive in its most natural and divine form.
So, ask yourself: Do you want a spouse, or do you want a soul companion? If the answer is the latter, then let go of the idea of marriage and embrace the love.
What’s Next?
Start by having an honest conversation with your partner. Practice gratitude, embrace individuality, and cultivate an atmosphere of true friendship.
The future of relationships is evolving. The question is: Are you ready to evolve with it?
(Ajay Jaisingh, an independent thinker, philosopher and a seeker of truth, has been driven by a quest to understand the world, the proverbial “meaning of life”. His spiritual journey started in his late teens, where his quest led him to experience various religious, spiritual and new-age teachings, enabling him to understand not only the differences but the similarities between them; the universal message that they all convey. For two years he worked with a non-profit oranization, travelling to various cities to conduct meditation based seminars for all levels; right from managing physical and emotional ailments to understanding the “Self”. His “monastic” lifestyle changed a bit as he transitioned to a family man where he started working on a more consultative or a one-on-one basis.
He currently lives in Shrewsbury, MA with his wife, Sneh and a son, Gaurav. In more recent years, he got an opportunity to exercise his passion with cricket and theater, known to many as a theater artist. One of his current endeavors is to design and offer personal development courses for youth and adults with the intention of social evolution. He believes the world is experiencing a consciousness shift and we’re all a part of it, whether we’re aware of it or not. One of his admired quotes is “Enlightenment is a process that is happening to you and it’s not optional.”)
