Is Your Parenting Style Working?: Experts Say Good Parenting Is Less About Perfection Than Consistency, Connection and Resilience

CAMBRIDGE, MA–Parents today are spending substantially more time with their children than previous generations, but more time and information have not necessarily made parenting easier. Instead, experts say, the growing pressure to raise happy, successful children can fuel anxiety, burnout and the belief that a single parenting mistake could cause lasting harm.

Those concerns were at the center of a recent episode of Harvard Thinking, hosted by Harvard Gazette writer Samantha Laine Perfas. The discussion featured economist and parenting author Emily Oster, clinical psychologist Meredith Elkins, and Kiran Bhai, executive director of Making Caring Common at the Harvard Graduate School of Education.

According to the experts, decades of research point to an approach known as authoritative parenting as the strongest foundation for positive outcomes. The style combines warmth, responsiveness and emotional support with clear boundaries and expectations.

Elkins emphasized that authoritative parenting differs from both permissive parenting, which can emphasize warmth without enough limits, and authoritarian parenting, which relies heavily on rules and discipline with less warmth. But while research offers broad guidance, Oster noted that it does not provide parents with a simple script for every situation.

That distinction has become increasingly important as parents encounter an overwhelming amount of advice about how to raise children. Modern parenting trends can create the impression that every decision carries enormous consequences. Oster argued that parents have been led to believe they can “mess up” their children by failing to handle individual moments perfectly.

The experts instead encouraged parents to focus on consistency, realistic boundaries and their own ability to follow through. Bhai suggested that parents think about their capacity before setting rules, while Oster stressed that boundaries need to be practical enough for families to maintain. A parent who threatens a consequence but cannot realistically enforce it may create more frustration rather than better behavior.

The discussion also challenged the idea that good parenting means protecting children from uncomfortable emotions. Elkins said parents can become trapped in a cycle of trying to eliminate their children’s distress, whether by accommodating anxiety, avoiding conflict or immediately solving problems. Over time, she argued, children need opportunities to experience discomfort and learn that they can handle it.

Resilience, the experts said, does not mean children must face difficulties alone. Strong relationships and community support are central to helping children develop resilience and empathy. Bhai argued that parents should not be solely responsible for creating that support system; schools, neighborhoods and public institutions can also help combat parental isolation.

Still, parents can build smaller communities by connecting with people in places they already visit, such as parks, libraries and schools. Oster noted that the kind of support families need can also change as children grow, from adult companionship during the baby years to practical cooperation among parents of school-age children.

The experts also emphasized the importance of modeling behavior. Children learn from watching how adults treat others, respond to challenges and manage difficult emotions. Rather than pretending to be calm and happy at all times, parents can demonstrate healthy ways of coping with frustration, sadness and stress.

Ultimately, there may be no definitive test for whether someone is “getting parenting right.” Elkins pointed to one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes: having a stable, nurturing adult in a child’s life. Safety, security, food, shelter and unconditional love, the panel agreed, matter far more than perfect execution of every parenting technique.

The broader message was one of reassurance. Parenting can be difficult, but the goal is not to eliminate every mistake, conflict or negative emotion. Instead, the experts urged parents to build caring relationships, establish sustainable boundaries, support their children through challenges and give themselves room to be imperfect.

As Oster noted, amid all the anxiety surrounding modern parenting, it is also worth remembering that being a parent can be deeply rewarding—and fun.

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